Steel Panther – All You Can Eat ★★★☆☆



Artist: Steel Panther

Title: All You Can Eat

Release Date: April 1st

Record Label: Open E Music





The eyebrow-raising, piss-taking, hair-spraying four piece, Steel Panther return in full force once again for another hilarious record.

All You Can Eat is the third album by the Marmite musicians. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, this album is another triumph to add to their growing collection as it proves to be equally as crude (and musically talented), as their last two combined.

Since the release of ‘Balls Out’ three years ago, the panthers have been not-so-silently lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce on their unsuspecting prey. And in the vicious circle of life that is the music industry, 2014 was the right year to attack. Despite releasing the album on April Fools Day, these guys ain’t no fools as they gave way to a cheeky stream of their album ahead of its release.

Currently touring across North America, you can catch the boys at UK’s Download festival later this summer. If last year’s Download performance was anything to go by (where they were only joined by Corey fucking Taylor for the classic ‘Death To All But Metal’, but whatever, no biggie) then it is definitely not one to miss.

Before the first track on their album even begins, you have the album artwork. Let’s just all take a moment to appreciate this beautiful abomination of an album cover, rival to that of Leonardo da Vinci’s original itself. Michael Starr playing the role of Jesus surrounded by his loyal disciples; Lexxi Foxx, Satchel and Stix Zadinea in a room full of babes. Beautiful.

The album opens with the twinkling of acoustic Spanish guitars, luring in any unsuspecting victims before pouncing into a flurry of blistering guitar riffs and their usual high pitched screams of ‘Hey!’ and ‘Oh Yeah!’ as Starr’s gritty vocals pierce the catchy guitar rhythms with lyrics such as “your new bitch has got you on the shortest rope, now you dick gets sucked about as much as the Pope’s” It’s good to have you back boys.

The second track of the album ‘Party Like Tomorrow Is The End Of The World’ provides everything you could want in a party anthem. Sex? Check. STI’s? Better double check. Beastiality? Erm, yes actually. Lyrical content aside, Satchel smashes out an ah-mazing solo rival to that of Megadeth’s Mustaine himself, proving they are more than just a bunch of comedic dicks with guitars.

The fourth track ‘Bukkake Tears’ will bore you to tears after the first chorus of the repetitive ‘there was so much spunk on your face, neither the boys nor I could see your tears’ the guitars are simple, lyrics are repetitive and the drums are barely noticeable.  The track was only saved by Satchel’s insane shredding skills. Oh and there’s a fade out. In the 21st Century. A fade out. Yeah…

Never fear, SP are here to save us from that really well known (and probably surprisingly common) disease B.V.S. That’s Big Vagina Syndrome for those who aren’t so familiar. What a relief we have Starr and co. acting as the Bono of glam metal; raising awareness of such a terrible problem. Riffs that scream in your face, Starr actually screaming in your face and sick drum fills leading into each verse and chorus. Towards the end of the track, Satchel’s guitar genuinely sounds like it’s crying over such a dick-curling disease. Fab.

Later into the album, SP try their hand at a ballad. Yes really. And it actually kinda works. ‘You’re Beautiful When You Don’t Talk’ sits as the tenth track into the album and it’s almost nice not to hear the word ‘pussy’ or ‘dick’ for four minutes. Almost. Any longer and it wouldn’t be a Steel Panther record now, would it.

The twelve track album ends on ‘She’s On The Rag’ a tribute to that dreaded monthly visit for your Auntie Flo for both men and women. Opening with synths and a simple, yet undeniable catchy guitar riff, tension is immediately built up as Starr sings over a pulsating beat to the chorus of ‘blood on my hands, blood on my face’. You get the picture, perhaps a bit too vividly.

As a whole AYCE doesn’t quite hold a torch up to Feel The Steel, but really, what can?

Brawn, brains and Botox, the panthers may be starting to show their age, but AYCE proves that they can still rock harder than anybody else, whilst also remaining educational (pushing it) and teaching a thing or two to the youth of today who are able to relive the 80’s era through each track on this album.

All jokes and sexist lyrics aside, there is still plenty of room in the 21st century for Steel Panther and their risqué style. After three years of starvation, musically binge eating on Steel Panther’s All You Can Eat has satisfied appetites for glam metal once again. Let’s just hope that they don’t leave it another three years for their next record. Fans need feeding.