Seeing your fave band live on stage is the ultimate experience for any music fanatic. But thousands of people all crammed into the same, sweaty room isn’t good for anybody. So here are our top ten tips of how to not piss on thousands of people’s parades.
1. Mosh Pits not Tits
We fully support gender equality and girls who shy from the razor, and if a gal can do it right and own the pit (which we do see OFTEN), we’re all for it. But when some Barbie wannabe comes skipping into the middle of the pit and breaks a nail, she’ll be the first to run home and cry to Daddy. You may think you belong in a pit, but sweetie you’d look far better in a gutter. Back down and leave it to the pros.
2. One Man Army
You’re stood there, nodding along, clutching your lukewarm beer and minding your own business when before you know it, some f*cker is thrashing his arms and legs in a pathetic attempt to start his own little pit. This town ain’t big enough for the both of us, sonny. The front is for movers, the back is for drinkers and the gutter is where you’ll be if you carry on your one-man mosh pit.
3. Less talking, more…not talking
We can feel your breath in our ears but we can’t hear a single word coming out of your mouth darlin’. But it doesn’t matter, conversation rarely varies from “OHMYGAD I LOVE THIS SONG” to “ohmygad I hate this song.” The only lips we want to be reading tonight are the frontman’s, thanks.
4. Miss The Piss
When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. But must you insist on throwing your ‘go’ over our heads? If it’s cold, it’s beer, if it’s warm…hygiene and dignity are both washed away as you find yourself drenched in some 40-something year old’s piss because he couldn’t hold his peepee in. P.S. Shoutout to the girls who use a ‘she-wee’ you beautifully disgusting tramps you.
5. iPhone, uDie
We are generation-Y, but Y the fuck won’t you put down your phone and just enjoy the show? We don’t wanna watch the entirety of the show through the camera on your iPhone thanks. It may get you a few likes on Facebook, but the only ‘followers’ you’ll earn here, are those wanting to beat the shit outta you.
6. Two’s A Crowd
So the world smells of roses (vom), morning’s are wonderful (ew) and you finally lost your virginity. But that doesn’t mean you have to display this to the whole damn world, and by world we mean whatever venue you’re holed up in. He’ll be holding her from behind no doubt, which aside from making accidentally-on-purpose falling on him (and consequently her) a whole lot more satsifying, there really is no need. You’re putting on a show of your own and really attracting the wrong kind of audience.
7. Curfew Dodgers
Does your mother know you’re here and out past your bedtime kiddo? While we respect the fact that you’re spending your pocket money on gig tickets, you’re a little too young to see some of the sights you will tonight. Especially if you’re at a Steel Panther show. Leave the gigs to the grown ups, or at least the over 12’s.
8. Whale Surfing
We’re all for excess amounts of food on a daily basis, BELIEVE us. But if that excess food suddenly decides to plunge it’s sweaty rolls onto the poor unsuspecting crowd, then we’re a little less inclined. Prepare for the beginnings of a romantic relationship between you and the sticky venue floor. Hint; it does not end well.
9. Remember, sober people don’t forget
Yeah, that guy. They’ve had a few too many and if they can make it to the bar they will probably have a few too many more. And credit to ‘em. So can we stop with the sober snobbery of dirty looks and audible ‘tuts’ just because some dude needed to drink to put up with the shitty band on stage. Besides, if you’re watching them more than the band you so desperately want to see, can’t be that good can they?
10. Sweaty Betty
We get it; you’re dark and mysterious and nobody understands you. But dude, take a bath every once in a while. Asses are bumping, elbows are nudging and you don’t half stink mate. Appreciate that people are gonna be getting close enough to smell what you ate for breakfast. Take a damn shower man, jeez.
So there we have it, our top 10 tips to make sure you don’t ruin anyone else’s good time, you filthy animals.
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